Two Possible Lives

I can imagine two possible lives that look almost identical. The first life is our current family. We have had five daughters. Our middle daughter died. We still have four lovely and healthy girls and a lot of joy. And we have sorrow, fear, and heartache. Our life is messy and complicated. It is depressing and hard and good and beautiful. It is the life we have been given.

The second possible life I can imagine is our current family if Maria had never been born and had never died. I can picture our life as it is currently constructed: four lovely and healthy girls, lots of laughter and joy with very little sorrow, fear, and heartache. I imagine a happy family with less mess and complication. A life without depression. I picture a simple and happy life.

And the question I’ve been contemplating is which life would we choose between these two possible lives? You may think it would be a difficult choice, but it is not. We would choose the first life, our actual life, every time. The second life sounds easier and lighter. It is the happier of the two options, but we were never promised ease and happiness. In that life our hearts wouldn’t have been shattered and our family would feel complete. That life sounds so simple, but we would never choose it at the cost of forgetting. We’ll take the pain because it is the price of loving. We’ll continue to suffer her death because we loved her in life.

Today we remember Maria’s birthday. She would have been six. I can’t picture what she would look like or what she would be like. I hate this. How can I imagine a world in which she never was, but I can’t even picture in my mind what she would be like if she were still here? I can’t see her in my mind anymore, and it crushes me.

The birth of your child is one of the greatest days of your life. Six years ago this was one of those truly joyful days. Our child had been born! Tears of joy. Now, no more joyful tears. It’s mostly sad, but I’m still grateful for this day. Without this day she never would have died, and our lives would be easier. If she had never been born, we never would have lost her and our lives never would have been devastated. But I would choose this day and her life every time. Today is a sorrowful day, but I’m still thankful for it. I would still choose life despite the horror of death.