Embarrassing

I am now a guy who says really awkward things. It’s embarrassing, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.

I was watching the four girls at the little play area at the mall while Jill did some shopping. A young father with his wife and two-year-old daughter were just leaving when we arrived. He gave me a friendly smile and said, “Wow! Four daughters! I’m not sure whether to applaud you or feel sorry for you.”

I smiled and responded, “Yeah, I know. Four girls seems like a lot to most people. We actually had five daughters but we lost our middle girl. So, yeah, four seems like a lot, but it feels like it’s not enough for us.”

Awkward pause. Then he said, “I’m so sorry, man.”

Yeah, I’m sorry, too, for dropping that bomb on you, random stranger. It’s hard not to be awkward some days.

Writing

Our blog has been on hiatus. Life has been increasingly busy again, and that’s mostly good. I’ve been writing occasionally over the past few months, but I haven’t got around to posting much. I’m a little self-conscious to put much on this blog and don’t want to be misunderstood as always being depressed and bleak. Writing is the one place where we face our heartache, so if you only know us through this blog it isn’t really a full picture of our life. Writing is where we face the darkness and has become a necessary practice for us. On most days we’re surviving OK, loving our living children, and having a fairly normal life (whatever that means). Recently a few people have asked us how we’re doing and if we’re still doing anything on this blog. So, I’ve decided to post some random things we’ve jotted down over the past few months. None of what I will post represents how we think and feel all the time. They are just moments in time as we continue to grieve and miss our Maria.